Daddy Issues

I once witnessed a new dad, pick up his new baby-boy and stare at him in the most unusual way. He didn’t smile or coo at his baby. He didn’t try to put his forefinger in baby’s vice-clenched fist. He just stared at him, expressionless. It wasn’t a stolen moment between father and progeny. It was an unrestricted instant of unguarded fellowship, to which I was a welcome intruder, nothing was exclusive, it wasn’t a bonding moment; nothing was intimate. 

Dad’s eyes were glazed over and distant as he held in his arms the proof of his fear; a fear which he had nurtured all these months. The fear of being cast away like an old antiquated doll. He had long been thrown out of their bed unto the sofa because his pregnant wife couldn’t quite get the right sleeping position. She had kicked and slapped during the night, lost in her pursuit for rest. She was sad when he moved to the sofa but quickly he was replaced with seven pillows. 

She didn’t want to go out anymore; more because she felt too “fat” and unfit for social escapades than anything else. He had come to see that one thing did get her out the door though….. shopping for baby. She already did that all day from the sofa, anyway. She typed and scrolled on her phone incessantly. She “added to cart” and “proceeded to check out” at least five times a day, comfortable in her large Ankara caftan (which he planned to burn soon). 

She had stopped making dinner and in fact all the other meals of the day. He had decided that wasn’t so bad, he wasn’t much of an eater anyway. 

All that mattered now was the baby and the baby’s meal plan, the baby’s closet and how they needed to move into a bigger apartment because of the baby. 

The baby. Hmmph! He remembered when he was her "baby”".

She seemed like all the world had to be stilled because of the incumbent. But not in a calming way, more like a muted frenzy. Almost like the day baby arrived, her life would start. All she had before that was just the stand-by life awaiting the arrival of baby. That’s what she called the incumbent; "Baby". And what did she call him, her husband, who she formerly called "Baby", "cupcake" and all variations of sweets: Daddy. She now called him "Daddy". She had read somewhere that calling him "Daddy" would set the tone for his new paternal duties and status. Also the baby would hear the word often and be aware from an early stage that the vibrations and phonetics in the word would make him certain of the security a father provided. Bull.

As daddy held baby in his arms, he seemed far away, stranded somewhere away from hope, floating somewhere so far below his expectations. 

Then baby cooed. As he opened his heavy eyelids to reveal the purest form of inquisitiveness, i watched daddy's expression melt like wax. The straight line in between his lips angled slowly, then unable to hold back, his lips drew back to reveal a toothy grin. This wasn't so bad. How could anyone complain with all this wonder emanating from one little being! He would gladly give up the name "Baby" for "Daddy" any day. 

******** 

A lot of men never admit it but they feel a bit left out when a baby is on the way or has just arrived. It's really not just because they feel ignored, it's more of a culmination of various changes that happen all at once and stand a chance of never returning to the way it was. For example, the way she wakes up and now reaches for baby first, who now sleeps in between them. The way she looks at baby. How sex is so far off the menu. How she no longer shops at Ann Summers but stands in line at Hamley’s. The lacy Victoria Secret’s have been shoved into the back closet and all she wears now are something that clearly has no secrets. It sounds a little selfish but who isn’t a little selfish with their partner. It's not like they aren't stoked becoming a dad but still they can’t help feeling like they have to scoot over from wife’s favorite chair. Plus, everyone tells them to be "Man about it". Being a man also requires getting some attention and affection too, right? 

Get over it and be like this guy! I'm kidding. But seriously though, this guy.

Long Distance Relationships: That Sweet Safe Spot

About 10 minutes into your long distance relationship (LDR), you’d quickly come to realize that your new location seems to be inundated with exceptionally attractive members of the opposite sex! There's one next door, one standing next to you on the bus, one at work, church too, one in class, one at the store, one at someone's 70th birthday celebration (they are everywhere, especially the most unexpected, dull places). Some of these people you probably wouldn’t notice if your significant other (sig-other for short) was near. Well, sig-other is not near and you do notice. This sudden awareness of other people, might be just a heightened sensitivity to the void left by sig-other. In other words, you are lonely and probably a little needy……physically, which is totally expected. 

However, let's just put it out there, you are expected to remain within the bounds of honesty, which is required by your relationship and also to remain within the bounds of your clothing, if you know what i mean. It's easy to say and much less easy to achieve. 

So imagine, you are at your friend's aunt's 70th birthday party (beware of those "harmless" parties). You were willing to go because, well, you had absolutely nothing else to do or because you are miserable about your new LDR status and this couldn't be any worse. Anyway, whatever your reason, there you are at this elderly gathering and then you see this really good-looking girl (who we can call I.D). You notice I.D and move on. After the party, your friend tells you he gave I.D your number because she asked for it. 
 You panic a little, being the careful boyfriend that you are. And then you self-pacify and tell yourself I.D won't call. Surprise! I.D calls. It's friendly and casual. You tell her you will keep in touch but you tell yourself you won't. You also conveniently forget to tell her you have girlfriend because it's "too much information" for a first "friendly" conversation. You do keep in touch with I.D (if you haven't figured it out yet, I.D is short for Inevitable Disaster). 

Something tells you you should tell your sig-other but you consider this trivial. Nothing dramatic ever comes out of casual acquaintanceship. An LDR is not prison, you are allowed to have friends, friends like I.D, you tell yourself.

In our LDR, we did have a sizable number of I.Ds. Aware that we were both human and admitting that promptly, we faced reality squarely. No one is immuned to slip ups, least of all LDRers. Also let me say this now, there will be attractions, like i said, heightened sensitivity to the void and all, and also because you are human and you don't live in a cave as a hermit. I tried living as a hermit once to avoid attractions but that didn't work out. These things have a way of finding you even in hiding. Lol! 

So how did we deal with crushes and attractions in a long distance relationship? One word. 

Transparency; the quality of being transparent. 

Transparent

/transˈperənt/ 
adjective
Having thoughts , feelings or motives that are easily perceived.

Being easily perceived is a little difficult in an LDR, so being transparent needs a little bit of effort here. It's more active than passive and it requires a certain amount of vulnerability and honesty.
So here's the fun part.

What we did was to be honest about developing attractions and crushes, if there were any at all. And there might have been one or two.

 “Are you crazy?” I hear you saying, “Why would I tell sig-other that I am attracted to someone else? That's LDR suicide.”

And you are right! It is suicide if not managed properly. Which brings me to constructive transparency. It's not just ok to be transparent but rather to be constructively transparent. This would mean being verbally honest with your motives and actions with your sig-other, with the intent of ensuring your relationship is successful both on the long run and short run. Of course, this includes being open to each other about I.Ds and undercover I.Ds (the ones who pose as your friends) and any other new happenings that might impact the relationship  adversely or otherwise. Doing this creates a safe spot in your relationship that fosters honesty and pinches off budding insecurities. 

As you eat your take-away cake from the 70th birthday celebration, you contemplate telling sig-other about I.D. There is  60% chance this would end in a fight, but isn't it worth it on the long run?

 What would you do? Would you tell sig-other?  Please drop your comments below!
P.s : This is a safe spot! Say it as it is.  x

Disclaimer: not every relationship is nuts enough to do this but every relationship should ensure the purest form of honesty it has the ability to attain.

Long Distance Relationships: Flat tires and Black cats

A Long distance relationship (LDR) is no one’s dream come true. No little girl dreams of becoming a princess in a long distance relationship in a kingdom far, far away! LDRs have no place in a fairytale plot.

LDRs also aren’t the ideal material for any chic-flick or romantic comedy, no producer would touch it with a ten-foot pole! I honestly can’ t think of any chic-flick which actually focused on a LDR for a full 1 hour, 32 minutes. Typically in a chick flick, boy meets girl, boy and girl STAY in the same city. Sometimes, they even live in the same apartment complex! Then they fight and eventually, they make up somewhere in the rain (think “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”) because they are in the SAME city. However, life does tend to deal you crazy cards and you have to make the most of the hand you are dealt. In the last post on LDR, we established the “suckiness" of LDR, I was finally able to complain about my noisy neighbors and then proceeded to highlight a couple of LDR benefits, so to speak. 

So, what do we do when dealt the LDR card? Most people throw in the towel before it even starts. This might be because of the high fail rate of LDRs. 40% of all LDRs fail, that’s 2 in 5. This is not to scare you but to help you realize the importance of hard-work, strategy and a continuous improvement plan. Lol, i know i sound hard-core right now, but your relationship is important and deserves all I got.

I personally think many long distance relationships fail because the relationship was neither duly assessed before beginning an LDR journey,nor set for a final destination. 

So quick analogy, imagine your relationship is a car. Mentally choose a favorite car depending on your honest perception of your relationship. If it’s a Toyota Prius, then let it be a Toyota Prius. If it’s a 2015 CLS Merc, then you shouldn’t be here. Lol. I’m kidding, but you are obliged to leave the secret of your success in the comments below. 

For us, we were like a 2008 BMW 3-series with a couple of scratches and panel-beaten dents but sturdy still. Before the LDR commenced, we had decided the destination of our BM was marriage. 

Now I’m not saying if your relationship is not slotted for a spot at the altar, then it’s doomed. We had to have the “destination conversation” first before we decided. Most people don’t know where their relationship vehicle is going, and that's OK! However, what's important is knowing the state of the car and setting a destination, however transient. This can only be done when both parties honestly evaluate the relationship and its chances of survival together. A destination doesn't have to be marriage, it could be “Let’s take it one day at a time but I will be here next year” or it could be “Let’s work our hardest at staying together”. Whichever one it is, it's a great idea to let your partner know your frank thoughts to be able to put a great LDR management plan in effect. Hard-core again. *Grin*

During out LDR, there were a lot of pit-stops and refueling, we had to visit as much as we could afford, to keep the engine running. We also had flat tires and got stranded on the side of the road sometimes!!! The flat-tire situations are a form of communication stagnancy. Heads up, it just happens unexpectedly, like a flat. Communication is flat and dragging, might sound a little like this: 

You: Hey, how was your day?

BF/GF: Good, yours?

You: Good.

Silence. Crickets. Silence. 

Don’t freak out like I did. Just alert your partner, in a non-accusing, calm manner. Straight and simple, "Hey Hun, our conversations are a little monotonous. What do you think?"

No point patching it up or trying to make excuses. There's a time for making excuses, like if your partner has intense responsibilities at the time, e,g exams. When you have a flat, speaking up saves a great deal of time, then, as a team, you figure out how to fix the communication flat. There's always something to talk about. Your new TV addiction. Game of thrones (did anyone watch the last episode! That realm is crazy,yo!). A new acquaintance. What you did all day. Even the neighbor’s crazy black cat that jumps on you every time you come home (that cat was a pain, I was certain it had a book on how to creep me out).    

By now you should know the kind of car you are. Be realistic with the dents and scratches too (gives your relationship character) . If the car isn't as great as you'd like it to be, the great thing is that you can actually have it traded in for a better one! I'm beginning to sound so American right now. LOL. I had to resist saying the word "gas" in place of "accelerator". So back to trading it in... You can. How? First by telling your partner your perception of your relationship in car terms….…you can imagine that would only work if he/she has read this post so send it to him/her! Once you both come to an understanding of the true state of the relationship, then you can recreate your relationship by working on the areas that need work. 

What kind of car is your relationship?

What's the destination on your GPS? 

Are you content with the state of things?

Remember to service your car! 

Remember fix your flats!

Remember that dents and scratches aren't a bad thing! They show strength, character and resilience. 

If you are in a LDR or have been in one, please leave a comment below! 

Photos: Favim.com, iamgarcade.com

Out with the aged skivvies!

My friend recently got married, moved into an amazing apartment- wooden floors, with an incredible stream of natural light and a light cinnamon fragrance in the air.Beyond the perfection and the chirping birds, beyond the pine wood floors and the dessert-tinged ambiance of her home, carefully tucked away, deep in her luggage was her beat-up "panties of condemnation." You know, the "drawers of doom", "the deformed briefs beyond reform",  you know those 5-year old COMFORTABLE, threadbare, tired pair of cotton briefs with amazing coverage but a less flattering view. There it was... stashed in her luggage. 

So she sneaks this panties into her new home and is in stark denial about its state. Trust me, it's a wreck. Lol. She doesn't wear it too often, being a new bride and all. But on those days when she couldn't be bothered, she throws 'em on.

Her husband, of course, would want nothing more than to see it burn. He tried several times to "make them go away" but she'd always notice, as you would if someone tried to take away your fav underwear.

The plot thickens. She then discovers her husband has a pair of boxers just as ancient. Faded and stressed are the best ways to define them. She adds to her denial, justification; he had one, she had one, end of story. 

Eventually, they both realize how much they can't stand each other's contraband. The couple agree to let go and have a toss-out day when they throw out their ancient loin cloths. Miserable and in denial, they are still yet to set a date for the toss-out. 

To encourage "Toss-out day", my suggestion was for them to go underwear shopping!  

Shopping is always a good idea, though she still looked longingly at her dear underwear. I encouraged her saying, at least she would have brand new ones which she would start to enjoy once they were broken-in and get holes. Her husband also gets to enjoy the new underwear benefits. He also gets to go underwear shopping which for men is uneventful and probably involves the sofa, a PC and Amazon. For us girls, a little more preparation is required. I recently went on a toss-out shopping trip myself. Here's a couple of stuff to keep in mind while planning the trip:

First, start your work-out routine like two months before (if you aren't a regular). Works your abs, arms, some lunges and squats too. It's only right that you are pleased with yourself in the dressing room mirror. 

Second, that wax we talked about.

Third, ask the attendant for help. Some of them really know what they are talking about.

Get a mix of styles; some comfy boy-shorts, frilly stuff (not to be worn under body-con dresses), some lace Brazilian cuts, some no VPL briefs (no visible pant lines) to prevent pant lines, some thongs (if those works for you), some groin-strings...... also known as g-strings. Lol. Groin-strings (who knew that was the full name?! Not so sexy anymore, aye?)

Get a few matching sets; different colors. Polka dots. Print. Stripe. Leather (if that's your thing).

Lastly, ensure the crotch area is cotton as recommended by physicians. Hopefully, "out with the old skivvies, in with the new underthings" works for my friend. 

Have you been successful in getting rid of your adored intimates? Give my friend a tip below...

Weird facts about underwear....

1. In the Edwardian/Victorian age, women wore crotchless underwear. It was considered improper to wear anything that covered the crotch. (This really took Downton Abbey to another level for me. I'll never be able to look at Granny Grantham the same)

2. It's hygienic to have a cotton crotch on your panties (whether you are into silk or leather, make sure it has a cotton crotch lining....unseen stuff go on down there)

3. The average underwear lifespan for a woman is 7 years; a man, 8 years

4. Your underwear determines your mood which brings us to #5

5. Women who wear g-strings are apparently more confident

"Groin-strings." 

Have a great weekend! x

Long Distance Relationships: Aayo, I'm Tired of using Technology!

Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) suck! There's simply no other way to properly qualify the experience. It sucks. Think of something that sucks.... sucks even more than that. 

For starters, communication is virtual, technology-dependent, controlled and almost scripted.

The fights are just as torrid as a non-LDR. You apparently can't sulk successfully without Skype having a glitch and freezing your lips in a less-than flattering position. I would know, I have pictures to show. Then connection is lost and Skype tries to reconnect the call in vain. 
In deep frustration and annoyance, you decide to go for a walk. As you step out of your front door, the first thing you see; two people making out in an alley. Great, how generous of them to share their intimacy with the rest of the universe. After the walk, you get back home and thankfully, the alley lovers are gone. You feel yourself give in to gravity as you fall on your bed. For a minute, there is silence and you can hear yourself think. You think about calling back to resolve the issue but connection is still bad, no thanks to your internet provider. Somewhere on the borders of the silence, you hear something. It's faint but certain. Rhythmic and steady. Creaking noises coming from upstairs.
 The neighbors again.
 Soon, sounds which you could honestly live without join the rickety chorus. You plug your ears with your cheap earphones to block out the moaning and creaking. At that very second, as the sounds get louder, you promise yourself a pair of noise cancellation headphones.

LDR......... trust me, it sucks.

Now that we have established how sucky LD is, I'd like to say, believe or not it has a less sucky side. 

What are these awesome features of LDR? 

For starters, you get to save, dates are literally free. No waiter, no cashier, no bill. LDR is also actually fun, when you have absolutely no choice than to live with it. I was in a 6-year LDR  and it felt like Hades. Ok, it felt a little like the corridor to Hades. So, with 6 years and 7 geo-locations between us, we kinda embraced the experience and all that it had to offer us.  It was a great opportunity to develop my communications skills. Technology has its own unique way of messing up what you actually mean to say. Think auto-correct. I had to learn to speak clearly and to provoke understanding, which really just takes the tinge out of being a girlfriend. The whole essence is to remain an enigma and provoke mystery and confusion, right?

More stuff to appreciate; you get to build a relationship that is beyond physical needs. Can't touch this....literally. It also is the perfect contraception, if you know what i mean. 

You learn to self-soothe when you see other people cuddle and cling, builds independence and self-assurance. It’s a great fidelity test too, not many people survive the physical drought of LDR. It’s for those with strong hearts and wooden bodies (Yes, Body is Wood, contrary to the famous Nigerian saying. Body has to be Wood to survive there). So you see, it’s not all thorns and twigs. If your relationship survives distance, then it can pretty much survive anything. 

So if you are in a LDR, congratulations on finding someone you actually feel strongly enough to board this crazy boat. If you have survived a LDR, please share your success stories below!

Ten things (plus one) you didn't know About Men!!!!

A couple of weeks back, I wrote  a post about ten things (plus one) to know about girls with different body types (read here). Who knew skinny girls were less fussy about size. Hehe. 
Today, it's the guys' turn! Men, these are just pure scientific fun findings, let those guards down. You may even love science just a little bit more after this. Girls, prepare to be shocked by #1(if you didn't already know) and #3. Everyone should read this list........you know, just in case you get dumped because of #9 or #3 is your reality.
Here goes......



1.Men with big bellies last longer!

Girls, Yes indeed. Think about all the men you turned down because they bore no resemblance to Idris Elba or Adam Levine or the Hemsworth brothers. Haha. The bellies scorn thee.
Men with big bellies have a higher level of a hormone known as estradiol, which helps them last longer than their ripped compadres.



2.Short men (shorter than 5"7) tend to have stable marriages

Way to go, Short men!!! They also have a lower chance of getting cancer. However, they tend to do less house chores. Tut-tut-tut, short men, just when you were becoming our favorite.

3. The average age of his boxers is eight years!

Lol! Eight years. That's like two presidential terms!!! Men, if you have underwear from the time  Blair, Bush, Chirac, Obasanjo were in power....do the needful.



4. Men who prefer big bums tend to be business majors

....And so it's no longer a mystery what those  business-major guys are doodling on their notes during Accounting class. Men who like big bums (and they can not lie) are also seen to be organized and tidy. They are dependent in their relationships.....


5. .....While men who prefer smaller bums are great project executioners

This men see their projects through. Good job, men who prefer smaller bums! They do not to seek public approval and are less fanatical about sports. 



6.  Men with mustaches are more likely to be hired 

Studies show that men with mustaches tend to be more reliable.  Employers therefore, hire them 8.2% more than their beardy mates and 4.3% more than their clean shaven pals. 
Tell that to Frank Donga. 


7. Men with beards are perceived to be the epitome of masculinity.

Little wonder that men who struggled with growing a beard since the beginning of the NO SHAVE November rave, have opted for beard transplants!
I didn't even know that was a thing.
Bearded men are associated with power, leadership, maturity and women see them as better providers. In fact, a study shows that women tend to associate beards with the ability to provide for them during pregnancy [Women sure think light years ahead].


8. How to get the girl? Wear a pink shirt!

Men who are comfortable wearing pink happen to be better educated, make more money and get the girls' attention! Who knew? So to really get the girl, grow a huge beard, grow a belly and wear a pink shirt. And throw out old underwear. Please. 


9. Poor men like bigger breasts

Studies suggest they may be trying to compensate for any "resource insecurity" they might have. I think I'll let the scientists have the final words here. Oh, yeah they also love sports.

10. Men who wear briefs might be stuck in their childhood
  

Briefs. Superheroes. Superman. Ninja Turtles. Don't. Why? Tight. Heat. Daddy-pants. Wear boxer briefs instead. It's close enough. 



11. Men who prefer small breasts tend to be Engineers! 

This study showed that men who preferred smaller frontal lady-lumps were nuturant in their relationships and indefinite about their careers paths.
They also happen to be mainly engineers.  

Gotta love Science......

Share with someone who you are certain would laugh first and then protest to these findings an hour later.

Have a great weekend! x



















Sources

http://www.inquisitr.com/1865600/scientific-study-characteristics-of-men-breasts-butts/http://thoughtcatalog.com/amanda-chatel/2015/04/sorry-guys-studies-show-beards-may-be-going-out-of-style/

http://www.webmd.com

http://www.menshealth.com

http://www.salon.com/2010/09/08/turkish_sex_study_bmi_male_performance_open2010/

http://www.salon.com/2013/08/17/9_weird_facts_about_breasts/

http://www.thegloss.com

The Best of Old Wives' Tales for New wives

For ages, people have come up with deeply erroneous marriage advice, that if you ask me, might just be one of the reasons for the high divorce rates out there. 

This is a list of rules that have gone round for so long and no one has called them out.  Well, this is why I am here. To call stuff out!  If this is what marriage is, well no wonder people are so unhappy. I tried a couple of them while I was dating.....extremely poor results, I tell you. It's like the wrong twin of the "pre-nuptial hunt" post (read here). 
As you read this list, remember to read it out loud in the theatrical way you know it would be said, complete with your hands on your waist. O, yeah and grunt occasionally. 
Here goes!
Have a wonderful weekend!

#1 If you don't train your husband, he will misbehave  

My all-time favorite! If I have to train him, a full-grown man complete with a beard, then I am of all women, most silly. 
 But the main question is this.................... "Is he a goat?"

#2 If you inspect and scrutinize  his messages, emails and bank statements you will catch the slightest whiff of infidelity 

This will eventually result in you in the hospital with a ventilator. And a defibrillator for good measure. 

#3 If you keep him out of the kitchen, he will be more of a man 

Why?! I've come to find that my husband has really great ideas in the kitchen. Why should his place be permanently in front of the TV?

#4 If you lock him out of the house when he comes home late, he will never do it again 

This I heard from someone who had tried it. No comment. 

#5 If you fight fire with fire, he will know that he didn't marry a pushover

This has gotten old. I'd rather knit a fluorescent green sweater with purple chest balls, than spend all our breathing, living hours on fights and trying to prove tough. #busyschedule #Feistyfionadoesntwriteitself

#6 Be wary of his family, otherwise, they will turn him against you and you won't even know  (lol!)

In-law paranoia is completely understandable when you are dodgy yourself. With love and kindness is the only way to treat the family of the man you love. 

#7 If you don't wear "iro and buba" and "up and down", how will they know you are even married? 
 First, of all who is "they"?
 Second, who cares what they think?
 Third, I see you wearing these recommendations...how are those working out for you?  

#8 If he cheats, it's ok, they all do it, at least once (make sure he always has a condom in his wallet, so he doesn't pass something to you) 

Some might argue that this is wisdom and some might not argue at all and just sip tea.

#9 If he doesn't make you happy, just take care of your children, when they are older, focus on the grandchildren 
This could easily be rephrased as "Wait for him to die".

#10 If you make your husband your hobby, you will feel accomplished

Be your own individual, that's what i'd say. He didn't fall in love with you because he was your hobby.

#11 If you feed him till he's fat, other girls won't be attracted to him

Lol. I heard this from someone who was trying it out. Newsflash...some girls are into fat-sugar-daddy-type men. Hehe. 

Do you know any old wives tales?! Drop them below!!!

Gidi-jacked: My experience with the intern mugger

Few things to remember while being mugged:
No eye contact, no fidgeting, no sudden movements, no movie stunts(007 is filmed on set and James is not his real name...now you know), most importantly, pray like your life depends on it.....because it does. 
I pray you  never get mugged, it's the second worst situation ever, right after being on a plane with a malfunction(that you can do without also). If you've never experienced mugging and you wondered a little what the experience might be like...here's my
experience!!! 

There I was, on a cloudy Thursday morning in Ikeja, Lagos, walking down my street to get a cab to work. I remember the air was fresh and smelt of wet earth (because it had rained the night before). I trotted along, walking on air and happier than a clown (I love rainy days). It was one of those days nothing could even think about going wrong.

"Good Morning, sister", A voice says behind me. I turn to look at him.

"Good Morning", I chirped gleefully. 

"Give me your bag."

What??! Wait, what was happening? And then I dropped my gaze and there pointed at me, was a gun. It was such an inelegant gun. If I was going to get shot, definitely not with this ugly gun. It made me just imagine an old blacksmith hitting some metal scraps to make a weapon, including milk tins. 

Only in Lagos, would my mugger say 'hey' and even call me "sister". *rme*

At this point, my adrenaline and cortisol is pumping overtime. I quickly look around and there is an old lady about fifty feet away, setting up her roasted plantain (boli) grill. About twenty feet up the road from her, was a man who measures and pumps tires for a living (aka vulcanizer, which I think is a Nigerian word, not a real word by the way lol...they are called foka for short). They both glance at me and continue their morning preparations...this was that moment, that defining moment when I knew the spirit of community was stone dead in Lagos and that I was never buying boli from that woman ever again. 
Boli lady had hurt me.  

Lagos had hurt me. Lagos hurts everyone who loves it, but we still hang around and love it a bit more. It's a bitter-sweet relationship that only Lagosians can understand.

That's true love, right there. 

Back to the story, after being snubbed by "Iya oni boli*" and "foka", I looked down the road for any unjaded passers-by. 

No one. 

It was 6.30 am, some one was bound to show up, right? Another okada, a fellow commuter, anyone!!! The police would have been nice too...with their station just less than a mile away! 

I had to stall, someone would come to my rescue. I looked at him. He was dark and young, wearing a sad brown shirt(not its original color). His face was unsure and I felt like he might just add the word "please" to his demand. Hmmm...a newbie. So I took a chance and decided to appeal to his humane side (Don't do this at home guys, I am a professional lol). 

" Please, can I take my work ID? It's all I need,"I asked.

" OK." He says, urging me with a 'go-ahead' gesture with his metal-contraption-gun-thing which I'm sure was Made in Ojota.

Immediately, I dive into my bag and find my ID, then I push it aside, pretending to look for it. 

Someone had to come up the road any minute now. They had to rescue me from this intern-mugger and his rickety weapon. Stalling. Intern mugger looks up the road uncomfortably, he was getting impatient but said nothing. He was such a nice guy, really. Lol. 

Then, suddenly a bike appears, with a man on it!!!

O yes!! My Hero was here, though his skin looked a little bleached but "hey, Beggars are not Choosers." 

My bleached Hero pulls up beside us. Face, mean and strong like any Hero's face would be. Intern turns around and looks at Hero... he didn't seem very alarmed. 
Hero scowls at him, then me, and says to intern, "Shoot her!!!"

At this point, I concluded that humanity was truly in need of a Savior. He apparently wasn't my hero, he was the intern's supervisor!  "SHOOT HER!!", he insisted.

Intern looked pleadingly at me, it was either he didn't want to shoot or his contraption had no bullets and it was all a bluff. Hero-turned-bike-riding maniac kept screaming "Shoot her!"  I handed over the bag and intern jumped on the back of the bike and rode away with his manager. 

I was more sad about the fact that Hero was NOT my Hero than the loss of my beautiful Guess handbag. I was also sad that Hero was almost purple from incessant bleaching. I saw skin disease in his future. I ran home miserable and void of all my items. Everything was in there; my blackberry, my wallet plus bank cards, my makeup purse, the famous work ID card, my bible, my shoes for work (I had walked down the street in flats to catch a cab), my lunch, even!!! 

It was quite the experience. 

Have you had a mugging experience? Would love to hear about it! Share below!!! 


*Iya oni boli (Yoruba language) : A woman who sells roasted plantain as street food.

Images : Getty images/Theresa Tibbetts

              Nath Ngerem