Love, Flicker, Burn: Entry 2

Tiide Olufola-Carson

Lagos.

By far, Beyoncé’s “Beautiful nightmare” is my longest-standing ringtone of all time. I glanced at my phone along with several other people around, clearly perturbed at the noise my phone was making. 

“Boo Calling”, It read.

 I swiftly activated Silent mode on my phone.  I really should have changed his name by now. It was only right that after last week, I released him from all names of endearment. The ringing stopped. I moved along the queue to the immigration desk at the airport. I hadn't spoken to him since his birthday, since the proposal. ‎He hadn't called me since that night either until now, he obviously took it hard.

I glanced around lazily and handed the immigration officer my passport. I always ran into someone I knew at Murtala Airport. Today was not a good day for running into old friends and acquaintances.  I just needed to get to the gate and get out of here. Even if it was for three weeks. This training program couldn't have come at a better time. 

Suddenly, my bag began to vibrate. The officer looked sharply at me as I tried to find my other phone in my huge handbag. Mental note to self; travel with smaller, accessible bags. I smiled at him reassuringly as the phone continued to vibrate and elude my searching fingers. 'It's my other phone....my work phone, sorry'. He clearly didn't care if it was St. Paul calling.

'Where are you going', He asked, flipping through the pages of my passport.

'Barcelona', I responded.

He seemed interested, mildly though. 'Are you a student there?'  I laughed half flattered, half embarrassed. 'No, I work at Omicron group. I am an oil field surveyor. I'm going for a training program'.  His face was expressionless.

'Go to that line', he pointed to another officer.

 I continued digging in my bag for the annoying phone. It was vibrating so loudly, almost a ring tone in its own right. ‎I pulled out the phone and saw his number. Great. This wasn't the most convenient time, Lanre. I was just as emotionally challenged as he was right now. I had assumed he never wanted to see me again. I was just as confused as he was. I did want to be with him but I wasn't sure about the marriage bit. All everyone did was get married these days. All I ever did was go for weddings and be a bridesmaid, which reminded me, Dara’s wedding was coming up. My best friend had said “Yes” when she was asked. Why didn’t I just say "Yes" like everyone else!

I wasn't expecting a proposal, that's for sure and that ring! That was definitely way above his paycheck. He had probably saved for months. He was so undeserving of this drama. 

He was a true catch, he loved me and I knew. He would be more than good to me and I knew.  But I wasn't ready. He was also a rebound. To be fair, I had told him this before we started dating. He said he would take his chances. He really did take a chance on that boat. I sighed.

I met him at a pretty low time. Ugo had just dumped me, my boyfriend of four years. Ugo said he didn't think we were chronologically aligned. What does that even mean?!!!! He gracefully explained that we met a bit too early in life and he thought we had a better chance of happiness if we let go for now but kept in touch. We had been dating for 4 years! How much more chronological alignment was required? Ugo was right though, we both indeed were those young people you watched out for as individuals. We were going to be successful. I liked his idea of coming back together as a power couple. However, I was distraught, extremely so. The world had become gray and flaky. Like ash. Dara had suggested we go out for drinks one evening after the split. Of course, Dara did all the drinking, while I stalked Ugo on Facebook. He usually left little or no social media footprints. He would tweet occasionally, usually political and inspirational stuff. I went through his pictures on Instagram to see if he had deleted the ones I was in. Good, he hadn't.

At some point during my cyber-stalking, Dara was on the phone with her cousin, Matthew. 

'Matthew is coming over for drinks, the more the merrier! By morning, you'll be like...Ugo who.’ Dara laughed delightfully, clearly giving in to the exhilaration of alcohol. Matthew wasn't alone. He had a friend with him. His name was Lanre. We talked the whole evening, everyone else fading around us. Lanre was funny and had a coolness about him. He seemed aloof sometimes, like his thoughts overwhelmed him. He also had what my mum called 'sweet mouth'. I guess you could call him charming, in a rugged kind of way. He was a lawyer, appropriate vocation. He then, convinced me to have a drink. By the end of the night, he had my number and we had a date for the following weekend.

 I loved our relationship. It was honest. I told him about Ugo and he had listened. He had probably also seen the rawness of the hurt and how upset I was. He never came on too strongly. On our fifth date I remember laughing so hard at something he said till I farted. The most humiliating day of my life. I had pretended like it wasn't me. I scraped back the chair I was sitting on, trying to replicate the fart sound. Close enough. Blame the chair. Then I casually continued talking to him.

When he dropped me off at home, he said ' I farted like five times in there. It's called the art of the stealth canon, Tiide'.

'So you heard?!!!!!!' we burst out laughing. 

'Good cover up though‎'.

As I made my way to the departure gate, I looked through both phones. Thirteen missed calls. I called him back and waited. I could imagine him looking at the phone and letting it ring, trying not to look too eager. He wasn’t usually a proud person but when his ego kicked in, it worked overtime.

 I missed him. I missed his laugh. I missed that he called me by my full name when he was happy and that he let me fall asleep to the sound of his voice when he called at night. I missed our late Sunday brunches and his scowl whenever I couldn't decide what to order on the menu (that honestly takes too long! Sheesh!). His phone kept ringing. He really was taking his time.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. 'Tiide?', I turned around startled from my thoughts. Ugo. My pupils probably visibly dilated as I saw Ugo. 'Hey!' I tried to sound casual. My senses began to fire up. I had only seen him once after we broke up. It wasn't an incident I wanted to remember.

'Hello...?' Lanre's voice came on over the phone. 'Err.. let me call you back', ‎I said and hung up without waiting for a response. I looked at Ugo. He was still Ugo, boyish smile and oozing charm. I felt a dull ache. The one that got away.

'Hey, Ugo! Where are you off to tonight? ', I leaned in for a hug, which turned out to be a bad idea as it flooded my mind with memories. This was not good. I felt like I was walking into a trap. Like I was walking out of sanity into trouble. I shouldn't have hung up the phone on Lanre.

'It's wonderful to see you!', his woody-musky smell lingered. Guerlain. I had spent a while ‎trying to remember this scent after the break up. 'Paris, en route to Fontainebleau, I started my MBA program at INSEAD three months ago'.

'That's great.' my heart began to beat faster. Was he seeing anyone? Some French girl maybe?

'Where are you flying to?'‎ His voice, steady as his gaze.

'Barcelona, I started work at Omicron. I'm going for a training at the head office'.

He was happy for me. He hugged me again. ‎The second hug was a second too long.

'I was actually planning on going to Paris for about three days after the training program', I lied. I definitely was selling myself off to a buyer named Disaster. I shifted my weight to my right leg, trying to look less desperate than I sounded.

'Oh, Ok!', He smiled. He opened ‎his wallet and gave me a complimentary card with his details on it. 'Give me a call when you get in then'.

My phone began to ring again. It was my mum. She wanted to know if I had checked in.

'Are you seeing anyone? 'He asked as I got off the phone. He took a step closer. His eyes stared deep into mine. He was filling my senses, my body hair stood on end.

 'Errr, No, not at the moment.’ Definitely, sold myself to disaster at a discounted price. 

I told myself I wouldn't call him.

Hug three changed my mind.

To be continued...